Playing games like they’re ‘The Bachelor’: Ranking the top relationships in 'Unicorn Overlord'

I sunk more than 60 hours into “Unicorn Overlord,” but the 51 people I married made it worth it.

Let me explain. At a crucial moment in the new tactical RPG, you’re encouraged to give a magic ring to the companion you trust most. After you’ve maxed out their relationship points, you can have player character Alain propose to the special someone, be they man or woman, angel or beast-person. Sure, it’s not exactly a wedding, but it’s a ritual to establish an “unbreakable bond” between two people: What does that sound like to you?

To get there, you must unlock up to three ‘rapport’ conversations per character. These minimalist scenes don’t have any voice acting or much stage direction. But when you arrive at the crowning Rite of the Covenant, you’re treated to dialogue as richly animated and acted as anything in the main story. When I discovered this, I vowed to court everyone I could before finally settling down. While “Unicorn Overlord” has combat so math-heavy it could make an accountant swoon, I made a spreadsheet to document its relationships.

I subjected Alain to dozens, perhaps hundreds, of special meals with his ever-burgeoning army. I hoarded rubies and diamonds to shower upon the paramour of the hour. I even climbed the gladiatorial ranks to face the game’s optional boss, Amalia — a mysterious giant who promises to join you only if you beat her in the arena.

After recruiting everyone in sight, my wife and I watched Alain woo them all before the Unicorn altar. His promises of undying loyalty rang increasingly hollow each time we reloaded the scene with a new partner. Alain reserved talk of love for many of the game’s female characters. He often spoke of admiration and strength for its dudes. In a few cases, the ritual resembled less a wedding and more an adoption — such as when he honors his surrogate dad, Josef, with the Ring of the Maiden to match his own Ring of the Unicorn.

So without further ado, here are my top ring ceremonies:

Honorable mention: Mordon

This grizzled warrior sports a bushy beard, a companionable manner, and a penchant for drink. He mistakes Alain’s proposal for practice and coaches him on his delivery until he finally gets it, at which point his face reddens as much as it does when he’s tipsy. It’s not an explicitly romantic scene, but it’s so cute.

Fodoquia’s a sad angel dad who lost his only son to the invading Zenoiran regime. When Alain gives him the Ring of the Maiden, he waxes poetical about how Alain’s enabled him to move past his grief: “Not only were you able to liberate the city, but my heart as well.”

Travis is one of the first people you can recruit. As such, he pops up nearly as often as the game’s starting five characters — and while he’s nominally a thief, he’s eager to share his real passion for books with Alain.

Fran’s so startled by Alain’s invitation that she hides behind the griffin she rides to battle when he approaches her at the altar. She eventually comes out and professes her love, but it’s an adorable set-up!

A world-weary academic, Selvie initially waves off Alain: “Yes, yes. Hilarious joke, well done.” When she realizes he’s serious, she says she couldn’t imagine life without him and, characteristically, that she can’t wait to experiment on the magic ring he gave her.

Morard’s a gentle lion-man. He gets a lot of points just for that, but he’s adorably surprised at Alain’s gesture and happy that it will bring his country of beast-people and the kingdom Alain is destined to rule closer together.

While the priestess Scarlett may be Alain’s lifelong friend and default love interest, the story presents the elf Rosalinde as an obvious alternative. She’s the one to instruct him on the importance of the Rite of the Covenant, and she’s so flirtatious that she throws Alain off his game. When she accepts, she muses, not entirely unhappily, about how she’d rule as queen far after Alain’s death. She’s like a more forward and carefree Arwen from “The Lord of the Rings.”

While Alain and Jerome don’t have much chemistry, their scene is INCREDIBLE. He has to lure this baker-turned-knight to the altar by conspiring with Jerome’s second-in-command, Lotti, who eggs him on to accept the proposal from the sidelines.

Eltolinde is Rosalinde’s sister and the ruler of their elven nation. Where Alain’s rapport conversations with other characters only imply the possibility of a deeper relationship, he and Eltolinde forge an explicitly romantic bond. Eltolinde is also troubled by Alain’s shorter human lifespan far more than Rosalinde is. Her covenant scene is among the most subdued, and it’s carried by this quiet pathos.

She’s big, she’s bold, she’s unforgettable. Amalia challenges Alain to single combat when he proposes, and the resulting scene is spectacular.

While Amalia tempted me, I kept coming back to Berengaria. She’s the only suitor I saw with any agency of her own; if you don’t answer a question she asks correctly, she’ll leave you at the altar. Pass the test, though, and she’ll not only accept the ring, but also talk explicitly of real, in-world marriage, and seal the deal with a kiss.